Throughout my life, I’ve always felt that I am not who I really am.
Since my childhood, I felt things that I couldn’t explain.
I had questions that nobody could answer.
Why do I feel guilt?
Why do I feel shame?
Why do I fear this and that?
Why do I procrastinate?
Why do I feel anxiety before an exam?
Why does it burn in my chest during certain events?
Why do I fear talking to certain people?
Why do I have to make myself productive?
Why do the thoughts in my head never stop?
Why am I addicted to certain things?
What is the meaning of life?
What do I want?
Where do I want to go?
Why are some people rich and some people poor?
Why are some successful and some not?
Why are some do great things and some die mediocre?
Why did I choose my profession?
Why do I always have problems?
Why do I feel anger?
Why do emotions command my thoughts?
Why do thoughts command my emotions?
Why did I have freedom as I child, and not as an adult?
Why is there no love without pain?
Is it possible to reach happiness?
Is it possible to stop involuntary thoughts?
If I create the thoughts, why can’t I stop them?
Why do I not have what I want?
**Why have I not arrived?**
All these questions tormented me my whole life.
I was lost. I lived a preprogrammed life.
I went to school. I went to a university. I worked.
I chased the career ladder. I got a “good” job. I established an average middle-class lifestyle.
Still, I couldn’t become happy. I couldn’t find peace and freedom.
I tried to improve myself through methods and techniques.
I tried to build habits to build my “identity”.
I built productivity systems to not procrastinate.
I cultivated and enforced indifference to not feel pain.
I tried nootropics to not feel constant fatigue.
I tried drugs to stop my thoughts.
I tried effort and patience to succeed.
Nothing proved to be sustainable. I didn’t own the thing I chased.
I built habits, but they didn’t become part of me. I always had to make effort to sustain them.
I chased productivity, but it didn’t become part of me. I always had to make effort to be productive.
I chased peace, but I didn’t attain it. I always had to meditate and be mindful to feel peace for 20 minutes.
The anger, the conflicts, the anxiety, the struggle, the endless thoughts never left no matter how hard I tried to “deal” with them.
You might say, that’s life. I also thought that. After all, if everyone feels and says the same, there must be some truth in it, right? I wasn’t sure. There was something in me telling me that I miss some crucial information.
So I kept going. I kept experimenting. I kept trying. Until I couldn’t anymore.
I had a breakdown. I couldn’t do it anymore. I sat and cried.
I asked myself, why does nothing work? I’ve tried everything I could come up with. The more I tried the worse I felt. I was in indescribable misery.
Why couldn’t I just be normal? Why do I feel constant pain? Why does nothing bring joy, pleasure, or satisfaction? Where does this anger, irritation, anxiety, and misery come from?
I have food, I have a shelter, I have a beautiful wife, and I have a job. Isn’t it all I wanted?
I went to see a doctor. My tests were normal.
Maybe it’s something in my head? Perhaps I have a condition? The thoughts are so intense that I cannot focus on anything for more than 5 minutes. Perhaps the problem is on a neurobiological level.
I had no motivation, I had no drive, I had no joy and I had no peace. I tried tyrosine, bromantane, and many other substances to “fix” the chemistry.
It didn’t work.
I was desperate to find a cure for all my problems. I was not interested in temporary solutions. I was not going to deal with the problems every single day. Medication or marijuana is temporary and has a high cost. Relieving symptoms while keeping the source of the problems was not acceptable.
Then I stumble upon Naval. I read his blog. I feel I am getting closer. He knows something. I watch his podcast with Joe Rogan.
He says that he’s happy. I get excited. It seems he’s figured out life. I want to learn the truth.
I listen to other podcasts. He recommends Anthony de Mello’s book Awareness.
I read it and it opens my eyes. I understand my problems better. I work on them. It helps.
I fly to Mexico for my 30th bday.
I read another recommendation from Naval: Direct Truths by Kapil Gupta.
It’s difficult to describe what I felt reading this book. It all made sense. It was illuminating.
Then I read another book by Kapil — Atmamun.
The picture became complete. He has all the answers.
That’s what I’ve been seeking my whole life.
You can live a life without problems?
People like struggle?
The Mind creates the thoughts?
You are the slave of the Mind?
It’s so different from anything I’ve ever read or learned, but it resonated with me like nothing else.
I have finally found the answers to my lifelong questions.
I have finally felt peace.
Though I felt it for a short time, it was the beginning of the journey I’ve always desired to take.